The tea-cabinet in my work's kitchen has an extensive selection of flavors. There have been minor disputes over which one is the best, so I decided to take it upon myself to end the disputes. Here is the definitive ranking of teas:
1. TOASTED RICE
It boasts the scandalously-delicious simplicity that champions my heart and Chinese tea houses alike. Destroy anyone who disagrees.
A wonderfully strong tea. If you’re ever out of it, just squeeze a bunch of tea tree shampoo in boiling water. Pretty sure that’s how it’s made.
4. EARL GREY
Reminds me of my grandpa: classic, comforting and nicer on the tongue when covered in honey.
Not tea, but they're in the tea cabinet so I'm treating them as such. Almonds are dope.
6. LEMON CHAMOMILE
Padlocked to the memory of drinking “Sleepytime Tea” as a kid before bed. Pairs well with a Captain Underpants book.
Basically just thick water.
8. BREAKFAST BLEND
Slightly more boring thick water.
9. HERBAL TEA
Like a post-2004 U2 record: not particularly bad, but nothing you’ll crave later.
10. GREEN TEA
This does nothing for me.
Rooibos is in time-out down here for being spelled so idiotically. Normally #4.
Great if you’re constantly wishing you were eating an actual piece of ginger instead of drinking tea.
Why would anyone make a tea out of this? Honestly offensive.
14. THE ASHES OF YOUR FAMILY DOG
Also horrendous. I cannot believe they sell this at Whole Foods.
15. UNSWEET ICED TEA
I don’t mean to overreact, but this tea’s existence is more offensive than the genocide.