✏️ The Definitive Ranking of Teas

The tea-cabinet in my work's kitchen has an extensive selection of flavors. There have been minor disputes over which one is the best, so I decided to take it upon myself to end the disputes. Here is the definitive ranking of teas:

1. TOASTED RICE

It boasts the scandalously-delicious simplicity that champions my heart and Chinese tea houses alike. Destroy anyone who disagrees.

2. HIBISCUS

Red.

3. MINT

A wonderfully strong tea. If you’re ever out of it, just squeeze a bunch of tea tree shampoo in boiling water. Pretty sure that’s how it’s made.

4. EARL GREY

Reminds me of my grandpa: classic, comforting and nicer on the tongue when covered in honey. 

5. ALMONDS

Not tea, but they're in the tea cabinet so I'm treating them as such. Almonds are dope.

6. LEMON CHAMOMILE

Padlocked to the memory of drinking “Sleepytime Tea” as a kid before bed. Pairs well with a Captain Underpants book.

7. CARDAMOM

Basically just thick water. 

8. BREAKFAST BLEND

Slightly more boring thick water.

9. HERBAL TEA

Like a post-2004 U2 record: not particularly bad, but nothing you’ll crave later. 

10. GREEN TEA

This does nothing for me. 

11. ROOIBOS

Rooibos is in time-out down here for being spelled so idiotically. Normally #4.

12. GINGER

Great if you’re constantly wishing you were eating an actual piece of ginger instead of drinking tea.

13. GUNPOWDER

Why would anyone make a tea out of this? Honestly offensive.

14. THE ASHES OF YOUR FAMILY DOG

Also horrendous. I cannot believe they sell this at Whole Foods. 

15. UNSWEET ICED TEA

I don’t mean to overreact, but this tea’s existence is more offensive than the genocide.